Right under the cloud

I used to journal alot as a child and a teenager. And then I stopped.

What I didn't realise was, journal ling was a very healthy thing to do. Writing now with a pen feels like torture. Thank god I can touch type. Because my brain goes a mile a minute.

Like I said in my first post, I took up this blog because of a few reasons:

1. to journal

2. to help dispel long held beliefs that being skinny makes you happy

3. to share my struggles

4. to share my search for peace & serenity

5. to reassure those who also feel the same that they are not alone

6. to motivate those who feel its "just too hard"

7. to record my journey of growth

8. to support others that feel frustrated with their negative controlling mind

I wanted to reach out somehow and help. And right now this is the best I have to offer. To help someone, anyone but most of all the help myself.

The big struggle I found, is how I let myself believe I was lesser than around people who talked about themselves being better than.Some days, it all just gets too hard. And I came to a cross roads in my life where I had to really start to do things differently. I had to get all the pain out, and writing does that. Up until 2 years ago, I felt very isolated and alone. I felt I was the reject, the weird "emotional" one with the problem. By learning to be open and honest, I have come to see there are alot of people out there who behind the curtain of perception, feel just like me. I had to face alot of fears putting out my weaknesses in public, but I had to do the opposite of what I would normally do.

Time has gone on and life challenges me every single day, but it is slowly getting better. But the pain comes up now. I am slowly removing the iron curtain of self will, of addiction and intrigue and I feel the pain. The pain of rejection, of not believing in myself and the pain of hurting and being hurt. Of being abandoned and being alone. It is humiliating because I have 2 legs, I have 2 arms, I am healthy and my life is blessed. The mayhem of a mind running riot. But for the thoughts that torment me, I would be able to get great comfort from all those blessings.

The week Robyn Williams died was a very tough week for me. Coming out as a homosexual  appears to be a very liberating experience for many. Awareness and acceptance can only be good. For depression, coming out is frightening. Before,during and after. Because there are no 'ahh' sighs of relief when you do, things don't change in your head when you do. The negative self talk still remains. And when depression is so publicly and heavily talked about like during the week of Robyn's death, I found it completely and utterly overwhelming. And it sounds like I wasn't the only one. I wanted to crawl under a rock. Hide. Shut my eyes and close my ears. Because as much as people's empathy, love and support is wonderful, it just doesn't remove the monster from your head. It is tormenting, humiliating and debilitating.

I think it is wonderful that people are trying to help. The campaign of asking someone " are you ok?" means well. But what is a sentence in a ocean of negative words. What is a life raft on a desert. Are you ok? Well -no I am not ok. My head is torturing me. How can you help? Well the reality is - no matter how much love someone or many someone's can offer you, they can't help in many ways. The best thing humans can offer another human is not to be arrogant about their own mental health. If they are in a great place, please accept you are very very lucky. Please understand that mother nature did not bestow this blessing on everyone. Please understand that some days it is a challenge to get out of bed and go to work for some. And some days, it just wont happen. Please, if you are an employer, understand a person who has depression and anxiety is not an emotional liability. They have many wonderful gifts, insights and compassion that others don't possess. Don't treat them like they are a burden, because you are perpetuating their lack of self worth. You are feeding the monster. No one that has depression wants sympathy. If they had a choice, they would trade all the sympathy in the world for a sane head. It is hard being friends with or loving someone with depression, but if you extend compassion, patience and tolerance, you can only be enriched by it. And quite simply, you are a very beautiful soul.

Thank you.