Powerless

Hand over the resentment of those months.

Where they wasted?

Of course they weren't.

So many lessons, such a tragic being.

Stopping to discover who we are

Ever gotten to a point in your life and thought -'crap- I just don't know who I really am'?

Youth flew out the door years before and suddenly, here you are, smack bang in the middle of your life.

You could be in a relationship with someone for years, and suddenly wonder 'what the hell am I doing here'?

Or you could be out of a relationship and be single and think 'how the hell did I get here'?

Society Versus Reality

WOW  thanks for all the love, support and feedback I have been getting. It is great there are a lot of people that connect with where I am coming from. It took a lot of courage to put my imperfections out there for the world to see, and I understand that a lot of people would be very uncomfortable doing that.  There is always a friend or relative in someones life that struggles with a monster in their heads. What I am being taught right now is how to manage the thoughts in my head via CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It is a type of psychotherapy that helps people to change unhelpful or unhealthy thinking habits, feelings and behaviours. So basically making that monster in our heads smaller. 

Life begins at 44- Watch me fly

Mourning is over.

Taking it on!

Thank god! WOW WOW WOW. I am just super duper happy right now . I cant wait till tomorrow.

Just got the Royal Smackdown from a child of mine. It was harsh, it was true. It was effective. It made me build a bridge in 5 minutes flat and get over it.

Time to live life to its fullest. I have nothing chaining me down. I am single. I am still young. I have awesome friends. I have a great job I love. I work with lovely, fun, kind caring women and men.  I love my home. My family is awesome. My pets are awesome. My house is awesome. My bed is awesome. And life is awesome. I have great support and some great guidance to a happy mindful future. My children have awesome futures in front of them and I am just so blown away by how switched on my daughter is about some things. Harsh but switched on.

I was happy years ago, happy and fun and I laughed a lot with my children.

I am going back to happy me and I am going to inhale every single exciting minute of my life.

And then what happened - Feedback

I say how I feel. I say I am not alone. Because, I am not and you are not alone if you feel this.

There are teenagers that feel this. There are adults that feel this. There are friends whose family members feel like I do. There are singers, actors, rich people, poor people that feel like I do. 

Grief for the end of a relationship is exactly like grief over a death. At the blink of an eye, one minute you can be holding each other. Then the next minute they can be riding away. You may never speak to them or see them again. 

Here is a connection, a special empathy, someone who relates. Thank you for your feedback on grief over the end of a relationship. Many people struggle through this, if this is you, remember you are not alone:

And then what happened > Day 10

I ended a relationship last week. First world problem. I know I know.... Very self self self. Oh but the tears. Crying like there is no tomorrow. Crying like I was 15 all over again. The moisturiser smells of him. This made him laugh, he loved that. He is never going to be in my bed again . Boo hoo hoo. My dogs just look at me and don't know what to do.The expressions on their faces - priceless.

Breaking up - hardest thing I have done for a long time, child birth not counting ( don't mind the fact that I own my own property and manage it along with a full time job, raised 3 kids on my own, financially supported the 4 of us for 12 years......  yada yada yada) . How do you let go of someone you thought you really liked. Something so new. When there is so much between you yet to be explored and still to discover in each other. Someone that doesn't demand more time than you can give. Someone that doesn't need what you own. Someone secure enough in themselves to not fawn over you.. Someone that gets your full attention.

I faced a fear, slayed it and put it to bed - Day 5

I used to journal alot as a child and a teenager. And then I stopped.

What I didn't realise was, journal ling was a very healthy thing to do. Writing now with a pen feels like torture. Thank god I can touch type. Because my brain goes a mile a minute.

Right under the cloud

I used to journal alot as a child and a teenager. And then I stopped.

What I didn't realise was, journal ling was a very healthy thing to do. Writing now with a pen feels like torture. Thank god I can touch type. Because my brain goes a mile a minute.

Sloth time guilt

Is it just me or do alot of people get an attack of the guilt's because of night time slothing out?

When I get home at night, all I want to do is put on the fire, grab some food and a book and curl up and relax.

The Eeyore Cloud

Ah the good life ey. Where you can wake up every day and feel wonderful. You can go to work, be passionate and skilled at your job, interact with work mates in a balanced healthy way.

You go home, prepare a healthy exciting meal for your family and then do something productive and stimulating after dinner. You go to bed, have a great conversation with your partner, have some intimacy, roll over and go to sleep.

You balance life, work, friends and when stress and problems come up, you deal with them all efficiently and with no fuss.

Patting ourselves on the back, do we do it too much?

I was given some food for thought today:

When is self praise too much, I can see how damaging self resentment is, how damaging negative self talk is , but sometimes, healthy people are annoying.

Because I am starting to hear, now that I am listening to less of my own negative self talk, how much people praise themselves. And boy do people think they are wonderful. They think they are better than others, they think they are the best parents, the best woman, so brave, so strong, so smart, so wise, so independent. They think they are such an amazing man, amazing friend, amazing employee. And God help anyone who questions them. Because they aren't really interested in hearing it.

There is always 2 sides to a story

Ever gotten upset by what you perceived someone has done or said about you. Heard half the details and you want to go to them and give them what for?

Ever looked at the way someone looks and acts and immediately form an opinion of them? Have you ever stopped to think about their history, their journey and who they really are. Ever been hurt because someone is not talking to you and not smiling at you? You think they don't like you. But it may just be they are busy, distracted. Sad.

Looks don't tell the whole story. Behaviour does not tell the whole story and your reactions are simply your perception. You may react to what you think the other person is thinking . What you think the other person is meaning. They say talk face to face to ensure the message is communicated clearly because sending things in writing will not show the emotion. I am discovering even face to face communication can be just as murky because one mind communicating to the other has a completely different thought process. We are talking different genders, different generations, different emotional feelings. Different intellects. Different nationalities. Different personalities. Different hormones. Different beliefs. So many variables can lead you to misconstrue what the other person is attempting to communicate to you.

Facing the fear

Oneness.

Hmm. I am not far from that reality.

Why am I so afraid to do ultimately the best thing anyone can do for themselves as an adult. Spending time on my own. Learning to love and respect myself and my needs.

Because I am petrified.

I had a dream

Be careful what you wish for.

Heard that a million times, and I absolutely believe it. Throw a comment off the cuff and sure enough, I get it.

So now, when I sit here and wonder why things zig zag all over the place in my life and I wonder why it is not going in the direction I want it to, I remember, I forgot to wish. I forgot to dream.

So this is my wish Blog. Today I am starting to list my dreams. It may start slowly but it is going to grow. And one day, I hope to look back at this Blog and think WOW -dreams really do come true.

Love me, Love me not

I struggled to believe I was lovable. But now I see everyone is lovable. We are all unique and special and there are chemical connections that draw people to specific people. The question is : Why do we go against the grain sometimes and need someone to want us and love us, if it really isn't gelling. You cant make them be interested in you, interested in what you like, care about your well being, your stresses, your burdens and even responsibilities. If they don't want to be a part of it, help, share your every day life, FINE

But if they do - don't fear it either. Don't push it away if you are scared. Accept the love. But don't try and control it or demand it.

Let go.

Better to have lost in love...

As I have gotten older, I am more aware of the impact painful relationship endings have on a persons uninhibited joy in new love. Tarnished, bitter and unwilling to put their heart out their again, they hold back, and loose those first few months of the wonderment of new love. They let their previous partners behaviour prejudice their outlook on women/men. They become sceptical about a woman's/man's motives. They ridicule the opposite sex and in turn disrespect themselves and their new partner.They are wasting everyone's time.

Personally, I have been fortunate enough to not want lose the joyful sensation of new love. Mind you, perhaps that could have simply been, new lust, because I am now learning that love doesn't happen over night, it takes time - alot of time.

Second hand rose...

Second hand rose

When I was a child, all I ever wore were 'hand me down' clothes, or hideous home made outfits (don't tell my mum that I said that!)

If they were cool, I was happy, but that was a rarity. They weren't the latest fashions and they were usually a decade out of date. I must be honest and say I did have some personal favourite second hand clothes and boy did I love them.

Then recently I heard that clothes, along with houses, jewellery and other things when re used, carry the original and subsequent owners energy. If it was bad energy, then you would be wearing it. Uggh !

New clothes are such a  buzz for me. Except that, the moment they are worn once, they are no longer new and they feel like 'hand me down' clothes again.

The month of May - The beginning of my journey May 2014

The month that everything happens, birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries, mid life crisis anniversaries and recovery anniversaries.

This day in May was the day I decided to start writing a blog.