I had a dream

Be careful what you wish for.

Heard that a million times, and I absolutely believe it. Throw a comment off the cuff and sure enough, I get it.

So now, when I sit here and wonder why things zig zag all over the place in my life and I wonder why it is not going in the direction I want it to, I remember, I forgot to wish. I forgot to dream.

So this is my wish Blog. Today I am starting to list my dreams. It may start slowly but it is going to grow. And one day, I hope to look back at this Blog and think WOW -dreams really do come true.

My children: When they were little, I got so much joy from nurturing them. The inner mummy came out in me and I revelled in it. I cooked, I sewed, I crafted my heart out with them. Every birthday produced a fun birthday party and an exciting birthday cake. They were my life, my light and my purpose. Then I lost my mummy mojo, distracted by other dazzling things and to this day I yearn for those magic moments when my children adored me, looked up to me with wonderment and thought I was the beez neez. The quiet moments at bed time, when I would sing to them and hold them and feel the tears well up in my eyes. My dream is to get back my mummy mojo. They are too old now for cooked baby food, cute little A line dresses but they will never be too old to have their mum hold them when they are sad, listen to them when they want to share exciting things, fun things and great adventures. They are never too old for me to cook new and interesting food for & with them, care for them and be their soft place. So my dream for my children is to be the best mum I can be for them, to be strong and fulfilled so they can be at peace knowing that their mum is ok. That their mum can overcome everything and be their guiding light.

My family: I always thought I had an odd family. I realize now, EVERYONE has an odd family. Everyone has just done a better job at accommodating their odd family. I didn't know how to. Now in life, I realize that my family is way more precious that I ever thought. They are the fabric of my life and I am truly lucky that they are all in it. Now I just have to learn to thread them back into my days, my now and my future. I had learnt to fly solo. My independence started very young. And over time I just drifted into my own little world. My dream is to have my family in my life on a regular basis. To learn how to be a giving , loving, kind attentive daughter, sister, cousin, Auntie and Niece. Contact, time together, caring, helping. I want to give back and show them how much they mean to me.

My home: No matter if my home is tidy, messy, renovated, falling apart, I want everyone to walk in and feel like they have stepped into something comfortable. My energy has always been restless and discontent, so I want to change that and change the energy in my home. I want it to just be comforting, warm, inviting and a home filled with love, laughter, joy and something special. A special energy for all.

Me: I dream of the day when I am at peace in my mind. Where thoughts that swirl around are about what I am going to do next in my day, what my plans for the week are. What I love doing and what I love seeing. I dream of the day where I am with a friend/ family/children and my whole focus is on them. Where my mind, my memory and my thoughts are of what they are talking about, what they are sharing, what they care about. I want to be in a place where I can believe in myself, believe that I am worthy and capable of everything I dream of. I dream that my self talk in my head is positive, loving and joyful.

Love: Ah love at 44 and love at 20 are entirely different creatures. At the end of the day, we all like to feel loved. Wanted. Desired. I still want that. But I am looking for something different this time. I want a healthy man. Someone that genuinely loves me for all the quirky me-isms that I have. I dream to share my future with someone that digs the essence of me, loves being with me, talking with me, laughing with me, who see's through my fears, my frustrations, my stubbornness and can see that I am deep down incredibly vulnerable and shy. Deep down I am a little girl at heart. Someone who is there through life's roller coaster ride.

I dream of a man who can see beyond my outside core, beyond my sexuality and see the person I am and like me, support and cherish me. I dream for a man that is confident in himself and not afraid to show his vulnerable side. Someone who can be open, honest and joyful. Who can share his fears, hopes and dreams. A man that can move forward from his past. To be willing to move to our love and give it his best. That he can grow and want to grow to be a better person every day is important. That he can be thoughtful and considerate is important. He doesn't have to be rich, flashy, cocky and full of his own self importance. But humble, kind and caring to all creatures great and small. A man that respects my children and doesn't think of them as a threat. A man that looks at my beautiful daughters and extends to them the same respect that he would extend to his own daughter/s. Respecting my right to be their protector and to respect my need to protect their vulnerabilities and their own private world. A man who can look forward and want to share experiences with me, share fun, adventures, hope and the future.

Slowly I am more aware of my dreams and my list will grow. But this is it for now.

Dream big and live big.